you would have Pina Colada flavored saliva.
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars
I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
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