Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
my bartender licked my nipple. never stay after hours
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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