please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
Randomize
