That's why you don't touch shit after fingering somebone
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
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