just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I pretended to be blind and he pretended to be my assistant and long story short, we had to buy that bra and panty set, and now we're both banned from Victoria's Secret AND I have a cum stained demi cup.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Randomize
