Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
This will always be remembered as the Christmas I had 15 Russians sing christmas carols to me at 130am alone in a gas station while I was stoned on pot brownies
Then we woke up and they shouted "Emergency Vodka!!" and that's how we got redrunk.
I gave him head during Pitch Perfect 2, I felt like the Bella's were cheering me on with their back up tunes
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