Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!
This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..
AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
I don't know how much expertise I could offer. My best advice is, "don't drown, for god's sake don't drown"
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
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