there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
when she started singing "you look better when im drunk" to my cat i realized it was time to take her home
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
Good rule of thumb: only list personal references with whom you have hallucinated
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
