she said your name and I thought she was asking me to motorboat her. Best. Miscommunication.Ever.
The Rock is playing the tooth fairy. I can't believe I used to smell what that man was cooking
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
I just got eleven picture messages of my dick and balls hanging out of my shorts last night. I guess it really is summer when the fratastic, man-thigh exposing shorts come out...
Bro i heard that. I've seen so many balls this month its like march madness all over again
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
Your first mistake was not throwing your beer at the RA and running
What's the standard Christmas present for six months of booty calls?
Mobile recharge?
I've been asked to reupholster their slam-couch so I found some off-cuts of medical-grade, hermetically sealed fabric. She'll be slammed upon for generations to come.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
I was thinking about the biological process causing me to puke while I was puking. THAT'S how much I'd been studying.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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