If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.
Sounds like a plan.
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I would fuck him just for his dog
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
