I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
Have bite marks on my arm where my temporary tat was Saturday night. Did someone try to bite Captain America or something?
One of the many mysteries surrounding the weekend...
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
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