Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
I mean I'd assume the strange looks are on account of the fact that I'd imagine people normally don't stink of booze on an 8:14am flight.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
