I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
My night was too much. My morning is even more. Help. I need to teleport the fuck out of here.
I just realized I'm currently not eating carbs, drinking alcohol or having sex. 2014 is off to a horrible start.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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