When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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