Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Just printed out my Plan B coupon at the library. Saving my own printer ink and paper as well as 10 dollars towards not being knocked up.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
I'm mortified. After he finished, he turned to me and said,"So, what did you think of my mom?" WTF Please tell me he was not wondering about that while he was going down on me!!!
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
this is definitely the first time I've ever had an orgasm and then had potatoes smeared on me within the same hour
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
Haha holy fuck. i dont remember much after pissing on your ex's flaming nude pics.
Randomize
