I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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