Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Operation Purity has been aborted
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Your text makes more sense read in reverse.
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
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