So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?
This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
I found you in the bathroom. You were sitting cross-legged on the floor wearing nothing but socks completely surrounded by broken crayons.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
I'm sure there's been a weekend in 2014 we were sober... Clearly it wasn't fun, bc I can't recall it. Point proven, alcohol is key.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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