I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
