I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
Apparently my type is "guy whose parents had unprotected sex on Halloween". Last week was my ex's, my FWB's, and the guy I'm seeing's birthdays.
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
She's throwing herself an "I just had a baby" shower, where she makes up for 9 months of sobriety then squeezing a watermelon out of her vagina.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
