yeah it's now facebook official. i can no longer pretend shes my girl on the side
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Yeah, the furnace guy just pulled out 4 empty and 1 full beer bottle from the vent. You are no longer allowed over.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Remember when we made you finish your beer after you puked into your glass?
i hate being the asshole.
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
