i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Fun fact: I don't want to be an actual functioning adult because why
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Randomize
