remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
Just discovered Kim Possible porn. Life is now complete.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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