2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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