Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
I just beat off to a cartoon porn video. what has my life come to
please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.
Hey couldn't find water bottle to put margs in whole bottle in purse gonna stop and get cups and ice from starbucks and burrito from una mas want a quesadilla
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
