I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She had a belly button piercing in the shape of a cross. Talk about mixed messages.
Seriously bro? Indoor roman candle wars? I guess I'll never see that fucking security deposit again
Mixing Powerade and white wine has been one of my better ideas.
Riddle me this: How does one check in at the Marriott, but wake up at the W?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
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