I almost got runover on the sidewalk by a car but wen it got closer it was a crackhead walking with the whole front of a car... bumper, lights and all... I love New York.
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
