went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
it was like playing where's waldo with your underwear
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
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