I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
Karaoke machines out. We're taking turns farting into the microphone. Shits going south fast. Definitely be awake when you get home.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Someone stole a lamp last night.
So what you're saying is that The Magic Kingdom is ruining our plans to get laid?
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