Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
I knew the bike rally would be fun when I saw "male pole dancing" on the schedule
Man, I miss taking bong rips in my room. Now they are bringing dogs around so all my stuff is hidden in random places up in the woods. I literaly have to hunt and gather just to get high.
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
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