i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
