Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
that would combine my 3 fave things. christmas funfetti and paul simon
Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.
Gonna go for any of them?
Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
We did it in the bar bathroom and the bathroom attendant sold us a condom. I love Nashville
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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