hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.
apparently it isn't appropriate to tell a coworker who is eating celery because it's "negative calories" that a blowjob is too
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
jump out the window naked night went bad
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
