Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
When you wake up on the bus on 139th but you're staying at 6th
133 to go
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
How early is too early to start day drinking? Asking for a friend
About five minutes ago. You’re good now.
Can you recommend a quality dick? I haven’t had a good sexing in a while
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