level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
Idk I think he's weird but he's also from Wisconsin so that might have something to do with it.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
