THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
its amazing how hard it is to tell vomit from stuffing the day after
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
"Offered to eat Froot Loops out of my belly button" drunk. Thats how drunk.
Randomize
