I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
No, you always delete them without reading. Enjoy the virtue of morning innocence. What are you doing today.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
I don't think you understand what laundry day means. I am wearing a swimsuit as underwear and my spanish club tshirt from junior high
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
Just whisper "I fucked your boyfriend" in her ear and be done with it.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Randomize
