what are you wearing?
Just my guilt
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
he was CRYING into my vagina
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Randomize
