John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.
And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Another memory: We offered for a stranger to live in our house under the condition that he took the garbage out because it's a 'blue' job.
We are the best.
Ps. We need to take the garbage out.
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
WHEN THE FUCK DID MCDONALD'S DECIDE TO QUIT SERVING BURGERS AT 1:00AM?
I would peed on everything
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
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