Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Randomize