the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I almost suffocated in that mask but she kept calling me Jeremy so I kept it on.
LOOK AT HOW SMOOTH THIS BITCH IS
Randomize
