We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
