Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
wanna go halves on a baby?
Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
We're taking a shot every time Landon Donovan takes a shot. It's clever, sort of.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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