I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
and I'm going to name my autobiography "blow jobs with enthusiasm are the best"
I'm naming my autobiography "Reasons Not to Date Girls From Texas."
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
friends don't put videos of other friends on youtube puking on their professor on the first day
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I might be a bit late, couldn't find my pants and had to go to the police station. Unrelated
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
