Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
