he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Good because ass is like 60% of my diet now
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
at what point last night did i get this tattoo of an anchor made of dicks?
around eleven
However many condoms you have, it isn't enough.
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