Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
if you want the landscaping job, the uniform is a speedo. no exceptions.
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