i'm lost and i look like a hooker
She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I asked you if you wanted to go to the ER, have me sew it up or just wrap it in duct tape and keep on keepin on. You just said YES. I remember very little after that.
You're a good friend.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
