Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
The girl here has a popped collar. Can I slap her?
Yes. For all mankind please do.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
At tuba camp, the pickings are slim. It's like being the tallest midget.
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Lets get drunk. But not too drunk that I can't work in the morning. But maybe drunk enough so we'll make out
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
