how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
Where do you think black out memories go?
Into the dark abysmal abyss of the deepest, darkest part of your mind. It's obviously the bodies natural defense to protect you from witnessing the shit you do while actually blacked out.
Randomize
