my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
when you wake up try not to move. we are betting to see if more sprinkles stuck to you or the pong table.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
You're doing screenings before you set me up again- no child sized dicks allowed.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
the walk of shame isn't very shameful when your mom tells you she's proud of you.
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
Randomize
