I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Randomize
