its like an ocean threw up right in your lap
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
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I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
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Time for jim to play the "dont seriously consider pooping in the trash" game
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
You were walking away to pee and as you were undoing your belt you looked at me and said "the belt is off. the game is on. Remever that."
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Omg. I checked my purse this morning and I'm pretty sure drunk me stole a frat guys tube of crest 3d white toothpaste. Like that's pretty fucked up but I think if I knew someone did that to me I'd probably still invite them over again cuz I'd be like, "this girl's creative, and has good hygiene."
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