I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
My tweets this weekend consisted of me telling every bar I went to that they were my favorite valentine. I've never felt like more of an alcoholic
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
Had a one night stand and didnt remember the guys name until he started sending me poems in the mail.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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