Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Hefty paycheck and not get wasted can't exist in the same night
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
