Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Her vagina should come with caution tape.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
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