I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
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