Ugh I just know that when I take off his pants his underwear will have Megan's Law written all over them.
Update: no underwear. Greeeeen light.
don't read that magazine bro. I came in it
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
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